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August 12, 2015
WHY FALLING APART IS SOMETIMES THE BEST WAY TO PULL IT TOGETHER
In the past 8 months, I have been sick a minimum of 6-7 times. This is an awful lot for someone who prides herself on taking great care of herself… organic eating, loads of water, hot water with lemon every morning to ward off infection, daily yoga and meditation and hard core workouts so I can physically keep up with my 2 young kids.
How can I get sick so much, you may ask? Well, I asked myself the same question this week as I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself for being down for the count again. And as I lay there, it was like all the “sickness” and infection – the sickness and infection that lay in my mind… bubbled to the surface. And I got angry. I got furious… I got self righteous for God’s sake! It bubbled and bubbled until I fell apart one day in the midst of it and cried non-stop.
I cried as I grieved all of my perceived “failures”… I cried as I listed out the reasons I wasn’t “good enough” as a mom. I cried over feeling like I wanted to accomplish so much yet I was being held back by my physical and mental limitations. I had a real deep dark night of the soul 4 days.. it wasn’t pretty.
But then I woke up on Day 5. The sun shone a little brighter. I had a pretty terrific day with my son who I’ve been battling with non-stop. I got real with myself about what I was actually able to take on in my life right now and made a list of what I could take off my plate and what I probably had to say “no” to. I reached out to friends for support and some good old- fashion ass kicking. I had some breakthroughs in my thinking….and admitted that sometimes as much as I want to believe in the “potential” of someone, I have to see where they are right now and accept it.
And by today which is Day 6 of said “illness”, I pulled myself together and saw me for where I am right now. I’m a work in progress and I’ve come a long way. People come to me for advice and coaching not because I have it all together but because I still fall down and make mistakes like everybody else, but I have the tools and stamina to pick myself up, access the damage and move forward with a new lesson in my tool belt.
So today i offer you this… allow yourself the breakdown. Admit you don’t have all the answers. Feel sad. Feel angry. Feel alone. Because once you feel it, you can heal it. And the next time it bubbles up… the way sickness and infections do… you will find your way back to “wellness” much faster than the time before.
July 5, 2015
The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.
– William Arthur Ward –
I long to be the great teacher.
I spent July 4th weekend which would have marked my 6th wedding Anniversary with one of my closet friends and her family. She and I had an amazing time together filled with lots of laughs and much needed talking. On the last night once our kids were all asleep, we layed on her couch together watching a mindless movie while drinking wine and in that moment, my sweet friend shifted gears and went from cracking jokes to holding me close and telling me how strong she thinks I am. The #1 sure fire way to get me to cry is to tell me that I’m strong. She held me in a way that a partner would… stroking my hair and telling me how much I inspire her with all the things I’m doing… how she is in awe some days hearing what I’m still going through and instead of reacting, surrendering to it and trying to just let it go.
This only made me cry harder… not her words so much but the recognition in that moment that I don’t always have to be strong and can be more open about my vulnerability and desire to sometimes have someone.. friend or otherwise nurture me and allow me to cry it out so I can release what I typically hold onto, in order to power through my days.
I’m realizing I don’t always have to be Superwoman to inspire people. I’m inspired by the people I know who just keep going despite life’s setbacks. They don’t have to project perfectness and “in control” feelings all the time to earn my admiration. If I’m perfectly honest, I most respect and admire those people who are simply real and raw. Who talk about the emotions and the highs and lows of something they are dealing with. Who admit they have days they rage in the car at the unfairness of it all, before putting on the professional mask they have to wear to begin their day at work. I’m inspired by the people I see who can openly talk about the mistakes they’ve made in life. The ones who are still screwing up occasionally and admit it so that all of us can feel that it’s Ok to not get it right. We are creatures of habit after all.
So here’s how I want to inspire people.. I want them to know for every 5 great days, I have 1 bad one. On the outside it may look like I’m ridiculously strong but I have days I feel “weak” and fall apart. My bigggest fear is screwing up at love again and picking the wrong man. It may look like I’m putting myself out there because I date alot but when I find someone I really like, I regress back to a high school girl and hide behind a tree, not wanting the person to know I’m really that into him. People say I always go after what I want and get it. I want to inspire people by being real about the fact that I want things to come to ME instead of the other way around. That includes love. I believe I’m worth the risk.
I won’t ever give up any of my dreams… and I hope that the people around me don’t give up theirs… That’s the kind of teacher I want to be. One that can reveal my imperfect journey and path and still inspire others in spite of it.
July 1, 2015
“Spiritual awakening is about discovering what’s true. Anything that’s not about getting to the truth must be discarded. Truth isn’t about knowing things; you already know too much. It’s about unknowing. It’s not about becoming true; it’s about unbecoming false so that all that’s left is truth.”
The launching of this website and going public with it has been the biggest thing I’ve ever done in terms of putting myself out there and being “seen” for who I truly am. Most of my life, I’ve hidden. I felt and put expectations on myself having been raised in a pretty conservative, Catholic home with two very loving and “normal” parents. We were a “normal” family if ever there was one. My parents have been married for 46 years. My siblings and I were all great academic students, went to esteemed colleges and work in professional careers. I sure as hell wasn’t going to stand out and be the “weird one”.
Until my life screamed out “Plot twist!” more than once over the past 10 years and I was forced to re-examine my life, my foundation and who I really was. And I realized in that soul searching journey, I wasn’t who I thought. I’m something way more… and not as vanilla and normal as I wanted to believe.
I have always been deeply spiritual and believed in God or at least a power greater than myself is running the show. But the past 2 years, I dove in deeper. I started a deep meditation practice, daily yoga and sacred journaling. People started to unexpectedly come into my life with very different gifts… ones very similar to my own and all of the sudden a mirror was being held up in front of me: “Guess what? This is who you truly are. You’re meant for something bigger. You have some unique gifts that others need. Time to stop hiding…”
I often ask God or “Spirit” to speak through other people so I can validate what I’m getting. And I kept hearing the same thing over and over again. “Why are you hiding? Why do you care so much about what other people think? You have some gifts that can heal others so step into it and don’t be afraid.”
But I wasn’t ready. There is nothing worse than hiding a huge part of yourself from the world. Especially the people you love most. But somewhere in the last few months, I realized it’s time to stop caring what other people think of me. My mentor, LeeAnn said recently, “Are you going to allow a few people who are going to judge you stop you from helping hundreds or maybe thousands of others who really need you?”
And when she put it like that.. the answer was, “Hell no!” Those people are the ones who set me on the “plot twist” path so I really owe them in some way for getting me here. And their judgement and bitterness towards me is what motivates me to keep moving forward, and to show them what I’m really made of.
If you’re reading this… there is a reason. You are meant to receive it. And hopefully use my experience as motivation to step into who YOU really are. Hiding anything but your truth is painful and will create a whole lot of suffering. Step into it. The Divine created you exactly as you are for a reason. This is where your spiritual journey begins…